150 Things no longer aloud in the Military
by DN-Lover
Summary: It's a list compiled of 150 things that Ed or any else may do in the military. One-shot, and it's meant to be funny. Slight warning on some of the lines since they might be crude/and or yaoi based.


150 things no longer aloud in the Military of Amestris. I went to read one of these one day and for a friend of mine, when I found none of the sort I was angered, So I made one.

So this is a list thing, 150 things. Have fun and tell me your favorites please.

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1. I am not aloud to alchemically change physical form to impersonate an officer.

2. I can not use the bathrooms as a place to meet 'playmates'

3.Nor may I do the same for office closets

4. I may not call the fuhrer "patchy"

5. I am not aloud to start food fights in the mess hall.

6. A cigarette break does not last 2 hours

7. I may not alchemically change a superior officer's cigarettes, no matter how helpful I think I may be

8. I can not sick my dog on Breda, just to see his reactions

9. I may not change Roy Mustang's pants into a miniskirt

10. I may not punch an officer in the face, especially a superior

11. Alphonse is not a good costume for the Halloween party

12. Telling trainees that Armstrong's sparkles are edible is not a good idea

13. I am no longer aloud to dress in drag and do the hula

14. I may not set Roy Mustang and Havoc up on a blind date together

15. Roy Mustang is not a Flamer, nor am I allowed to call him that

16. I may not call Riza 'Dad'

17. Nor may I call Fuhrer 'Mom'

18. I may not ask Falman when he's holding his retirement party

19. I may not dye my uniform "pretty colors"

20. I may not call Kimblee 'Kimberly'

21. No, that is not a challenge.

22. Al's head is not a soccer ball

23. I may not ask Riza if I can see her tattoo

24. Burning Hughes' pictures is not a good idea, no matter how tempting it may be

25. I may not follow Armstrong around, holding sparkles on sticks..

26. I may not tell Sheska that I am an alien

27. I may not put a 'kick me' sign on any other officer

28. I may not put it on myself either

29. I may not leave for vacation whenever work piles up higher then my height

30. I may not tell the rookies your superior officer is a pedophile

31. I also may not tell them to wear an extra layer of clothing, "just in case"

32. I may not search for gold in a superiors office

33. Even if I placed a gold coin there a week earlier to justify my search

34. I may not replace Riza's gun with a squirt gun

35 I may not tell people that Armstrong is bald because Roy set his hair on fire

36 I may not tell an officer, I am blind

37. I am not aloud to burst into song

38. I may not tell any officer, that despite being male they are pregnant

39. Nor may I ask them if they are pregnant before pushing them down the stairs

40. I may not use alchemy to make a fruit smoothie

41. Telling people I am a homunculus is not a good idea.

42. Neither is accusing the Fuhrer, Even if I am right

43. I may not ask kimblee to put on a fireworks show

44. I may not give anyone a watermellon and tell them to hold it after Kimblee touched it

45. I cannot use the excuse 'I'm marking my territory' to urinate on any military facility

46. Nor to urinate on any officer

47. Alchemy is not allowed in the bathroom. Even if I'm out of toilet paper

48. Alphonse is not a robot

49. Nor can I ask him to do the robot

50. A katana is not a toy.

51. Neither is a kitchen knife

52. May not snap my fingers behind someone when I get angery

53. Even if Roy does it all the time.

54. The song "Everyone was Kung-fu-fighting" is never to be played over the broadcast system, during a mach battle

55. Nor is the song 'Can't Touch This.'

56. I may not make bets on weither Roy gets laid or not

57. Nor may I make a bet if its a guy or a girl

58. May not pretend to be a bull, and chase Edward around because of his red coat

59. Referring to Roy as Michael Jackson and asking him to Moon-walk is not a good idea. I must not teach the rookies this.

60. The Fuhrer does not refer to himself as the Holy God-Emperor of Mankind and does not need to eat the souls of a 61. thousand humans to sustain himself.

61. Jumping out and scaring Seshka is not funny.

62. Even if everyone around me thinks so

63. I may not call Roy a pirate, even if his eyepatch is convincing

64. I may not eat shrimp around Edward

65. Nor may I say 'Like Edward' when asked how it taste.

66. I may not ask Archer if he'll be starring in the next 'Terminater' film

67. I may not follow Armstrong around with a bat, even if i am "fending off the sparkles"

68. Calling the Fuhrer a 'dirty old man' in public is not a good idea

69. Hawkeye is not your personal hitman

70. My alchemic powers do not enable me to fly

71. may not tell people that I can fly, either

72. I may not ask Hawkeye if she is pregnant

73. I may not tell Roy that Hawkeye is pregnant with his child

74. I may not go inside Alphonse, even if I want to "find him"

75. The fuher is not after my 'booty'

76. I may not ask Alphonse to join me for dinner

77. Hiding Roy's gloves is not a good idea

78. Nor is 'washing them'

79. I may not send Fuery on a blind date with Armstrong's

80. Edward is not a 'she' . He is not to be referred to as such.

81. I may not alchemically change Al's helmet. Even if it makes it look cooler

82. I may not light Havoc's cigarettes with Alchemy

83. I may not draw on roy mustang's face, no matter how tempting it is

84. Spiking the coffee of your superiors is not a good idea

85. I may not call Roy a ninja, even if he's really quick and good at hiding

86. Winry coming in to visit does not qualify as a millitary emergency

87. I may not call Scar 'Scarface', no matter how close the names are

88. Playing pranks and then blaming them on Roy will not lead to him being punished.

89. I am not a vampire, and may not try to suck peoples blood.

90. Or bite their necks.

91. Today is not a good day to die

92. I may not try to convince Falman to go on Jeopardy

93. Edward is not little red riding hood, I may not call him that.

94. Nor is he goldilocks.

95. I may not give Elysia the sex talk

96. Photographs are not lethal weapons

97. Yes, even if they're in the hands of Hughes

98. The red eyes of Ishbalins are not lasers, I may not refer to them as such

99. You don't have theme songs

101. Setting people's pets on fire is not an acceptable pastime.

102. Neither is setting the owners on fire.

103. You do not stand between Roy and his yaoi fangirls. It is not law, but it is highly discouraged

104. Remember the 50-50-90 rule. If we have a 50-50 chance of success, 90 percent of the time, it will blow up in your face

105.Do not start your reports with "Once upon a time" or "In a land far, far away.

106. Don't tease your superior officers, they _can_ kill you without getting charged

107. "Another One Bites the Dust" is NOT to be played every single time an Ishballin member is killed by us.

108. You are not pirates.

109. Nor are you inherently better than _real_ pirtes

110. Don't make voodoo dolls of your superiors.

111. If your colleague re-appears after being dead for any given amount of time don't scream out "Does no one stay dead around here?"

112. I may no longer moon my superiors as a way to taunt them

113. I may no longer wear black on an everyday bases.

114. Nor may I wear pink on a everday bases

115. I may not contradict anything my superior tells me, even if his superiors say otherwise

116. Armstrong is not aloud to be apart of any sports team

117. Homonculi are not aloud in, do not let them in

118. I may not call Roy a man whore, even if it's true

119. I may not yell rape whenever in close proximity of Armstrong

120. No that is not a challenge

121. I may not write my reports in different languages

122. I may not take a cigarette break. I do not smoke

123. I may not pull out a gun on a superior, even if Riza does it

124. No that is not a challenge

125. I may not play cards while on duty

126. I may not flirt with my superior, It will not end well

127. I may not prank phone call my superior

128. I may not forget to wear pants

129. 'I can not find my shoes' is not a excuse to miss work

130. Nor is, 'Cause it's raining' even if Roy can use that one

131. I may not black mail any officer

132. I may not take any discriminating pictures of any other officer

133. Even if they are funny

134. I may not take over anyone else's body with Alchemy

135. No that is not a challenge

136. I must always listen to Hughes, he's usually right. Even if Roy says otherwise

137. Miniskirt are not under casual wear

138. Nor are pajamas

139. I may not punch, kick, stab, shoot any officer in the hospital

140. Nor may I do this to civilians

141. I may not sell illegal things such as guns and drugs to children

142. I may not take any kind of medicine without a good reason.

143. Getting a hangover from drinking too much does not count.

144. I may not turn myself into a homonculus

145. Nor is that a challenge

146. I may not bring any musical instrument to work with me

147. A secretary is not meant to get you out of work, do not pay her to do so

148. I may not switch an officer's ammunition with pellets/ or paint balls

149. Alcohol is not aloud on site, do not get caught with it

150. Just because Edward is the reason for most of these, doesn't mean you can blame Edward

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WOW, I finally finished. This took me more then a week to do and I am proud of it. I did not do this myself. I had the help of a list on fanfic meant for Naruto, my friends Sin Of Tragedy and Chibiluvohmy

I had fun writing this and a lot of laughs as we came up with them. They were fun and it kept me busy during part of the summer. Hope you enjoy.

By the way one of them is missing. If you can tell me which one it is (and be the first to do so) you will get a one-shot, or a drabble of whatever pairing + general story line you wish.


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